Just another day at work

So I work with obstetricians - if i have a problem with my girly bits, i basically have to pick one of my work colleagues to have a look at it. Or my creepy family doctor who has a curtain for a door and no bathroom...but that's a whole other story.

This is pretty much my only excuse why i waited so long to get things checked out. No, I lie. I have plenty of other excuses too, but this was one of the bigger ones.  Plus, when it comes to the nether regions, no one is a fan of stripping off in front of a doctor and saying - hey, check this out!  So basically, i was embarrassed.

Out of the 3 ob/gyns we have in town, there is only one that i feel comfortable talking to, and i knew he would be the one i needed to go see.  fast forward another few months, and i finally got the courage to tell him what was going on.  he didn't hesitate - he said he will come in early in the morning and check it out and take it from there.  thankfully, thursday was an insanely busy day, and he never got the chance.  phew....saved from embarrassment!

I was just packing up for the day when he popped into my office and asked if i was ready.  oh sure, i was ready....ready with excuses why i had changed my mind and didn't need to get checked after all!  He wouldn't take no for an answer and told me to head straight to his office NOW and he'd see me straight away.

So i did.  I checked in with all the pregnant ladies waiting for him to come.  The receptionist asked if i was there for pregnancy or fertility treatment?  I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted!  Am i still young enough to pass as being pregnant, or am i now old enough that i obviously need fertility treatment?

First up was a visit with the nurse. The usual 101 questions. Are you on any medications? No. Do you have any allergies? No. Do you smoke? No. Do you drink? No. Do you do illegal street drugs?  Oh yeah, I do crack like there's no tomorrow!  What????  I'm kidding!  Geez!!!  I said to her - seriously? I think we've established my life is pretty boring and ordinary. Of course I don't do drugs.

Next it was off to sit in a tiny little office.  I'm not sure if the office was cold, or my nerves.  But I was shaking a lot.  Have I mentioned i really don't like going to see a doctor.  they honestly creep me out!  So it's now round 2 of all the questions.  Easy questions, i can handle those.  Then it gets to the nitty gritty stuff. When was my last pap smear? Hanging my head in shame, i admit it's been over 6 years.  Thankfully he doesn't judge me, but moves on to the next question. Then I have to explain in detail my symptoms.

Now, i'm in two minds whether to share this bit.  Honestly, its gross.  It's a gross symptom, and it's more gross that i put up with it for so long.  But a lot of people have asked me about symptoms, and a lot of people are freaking out about how I discovered i had cancer.  So for the sake of any other woman out there who is worried she might have cancer, or worried whether she should go see a doctor, i am going to tell you what i found.  If you know you'll get grossed out, or don't really want to know my gross little secret, then skip ahead to the next paragraph. Because hey, ignorance is bliss, right?

So for the past six months, i've been having some discharge.  It wasn't too bad at first, enough that i needed to be putting in a panty liner. then it was 2 panty liners a day, then 3. Then i needed a pad, then 2. Then it started to get pretty smelly. Like fishy smelly.  It was about now that i knew something wasn't right and this wasn't going to go away.  So i did what any sane person does - i googled it.  I then self-diagnosed myself.  Because I'm brilliant like that.  It was either a simple bacterial infection OR it was stage 4 cervical cancer.  Because i knew i had skipped a pap smear or two, or 3... i figured it was cancer, i had a few months to live, and again, ignorance is bliss.  If i didn't know, i could keep ignoring it.  So, that was my ONLY symptom - smelly watery discharge.  fun.

Ok, all the weak stomached people can open their eyes again!

Next step after playing 20 questions, time for the dreaded exam. I stripped off and jumped up on the table.  Ok, I lie. I carefully placed myself on the little table with the scratchy paper and sat there shaking, waiting for him to come back.  I felt that my feet had gone like ice and looked down to my toes.  My feet had gone a very white, almost pale blue colour. I wish i had taken a picture, but there isn't really anywhere to stick your phone when you're lying there half naked.  It's funny the things that stick out in your mind....

So Doc comes back in and begins.  As soon as he takes a look, he says yep, bacterial vaginosis.  The sigh of relief probably caused a hurricane somewhere.  thank god. its just an infection.  woohoo!  he quickly finished off my pap, then said he just wanted to check the cervix.  so out comes the speculum, in goes the fingers.  then his whole demeanor changed.  "Ok, get dressed, we need to have a talk" No no no, go back to the 'oh, its just an infection! here's your antibiotics!'

So now i'm dressed and he says what no woman ever ever wants to hear.  I feel a cancer on your cervix.  and it was about then when my whole world just fell apart.  He said he could feel it on the right side of the cervix, extending to the vaginal wall.  Because it was extending, it was either a stage 2b or stage 3 cancer.  i didn't even know what that meant. i just couldn't hear past the word CANCER.  I hate this word.  I asked him straight "do i need to go home? do i need to go back to new zealand and be with my family?"  He reassured me that no, i was in the best possible place and this was treatable.  This type of cancer has an 'excellent' prognosis, with a survival rate of 65%.   Which is funny, because 65% doesn't really sound that great to me.

He then dove into action - he called my boss, he called the hospital, he arranged for me to be admitted right now so i can start on antibiotics, get a biopsy done, have a CT scan.....  I said sure, i just need to go home and pack a bag, meet you at the hospital in an hour.

I got in the car and just cried.  Why me?  why now? why? why? why?  Then i got a text message from the girls - am i going to be much longer and where's dinner, they're hungry.  are you frigging kidding me?  food????? so i started the car and headed home, holding it all together.

i walked in the door and just totally lost it.  not just boo hoo have a cry, but more like howling my eyes out which then turned into a full on panic attack.  i couldn't breathe, i couldn't talk, the kids were totally freaked, and i just could NOT get it together enough to tell them what was going on.  I finally calmed down enough to explain what had happened and that i had to go back to the hospital.  i called my mother and told her the news. she graciously offered to jump straight on a plane and come to me.  but i said no, what was the point?  i didn't know what was going to happen yet.  i think that was my denial, i still expected it to all be a big mistake.

i then had to pack my bag and head back to the hospital.  my mothers last words to me - please take your angel with you. now - i should mention, our belongings have been in storage for 6 months and had only just been delivered. so the place is a mess and there are boxes everywhere.  i hang my angel that mum made me on the christmas tree every year so i thought it would be with the christmas decorations.  not there. went through all my personal boxes, not there. i found caitlins angel, emilys angel, but i don't know where my angel is.  this threw me in more of a panic.  finally caitlin and emily said hey - take our angels, that way our angels can watch over you in hospital, and your angel is hiding in the house watching over us.

So angel crisis averted, it was a very long hug to the girls - i did not want to let go. and then it was a quick drive back to the hospital to turn myself in.  i mean, get admitted.  almost the same thing really....